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2009-12-15 - 5:43 p.m. it has been ages, but i need this. i feel like i can't write anymore since i haven't in so long. it scares me. but not in a trite, superficial kind of way. it actually really does scare me because writing used to be who i was. i meant the things i wrote, and now i don't really feel like i mean anything when i talk or think or do things. one thing i do feel like is that i am a crap person. more on this. i have had many changes in my life since starting this diaryland, two of which are: getting married and teaching a university course. that being said... i am crap person to my in-laws. though i am/used to be a writer, i am a crap communicator through basically any other means. i don't call. i don't answer the phone when they call. i don't respond to e-mails. i don't facebook them directly, usually. i don't necessarily care, either. i am crap to them. why? i don't want to invest any emotional energy or time into it because i am not sympathetic/empathetic and i don't care. i guess that's the main reason. i don't care about things, people. somehow, despite my not caring, i am married. and i do love my husband. somehow i manage that. i am even pregnant currently! but that is making me sick and emotional and crap. i basically have no patience anymore, and i get addicted to things like easy mac and watching kitchen nightmares. this pisses him off. we get in more tiffs now, and it's crap. lastly, teaching is crap. the kids are crap. i am crap to the kids. they plagiarize or basically plagiarize and then take it out on me and e-mail me twelve times a day like it's my fault, like they deserve an A, like... i don't even know. i can't handle it. it's not worth it. and my husband wants me to give in, to appease them half way just to get rid of them. but i can't! why can't he understand that? it's all crap. me, my writing, my passion, my jobs, my attitude, my life. crap.
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